reflections on motherhood

The last few weeks have been trying weeks. (I hesitate to say hard weeks, because there are people dealing with problems all over the world that are actually "hard." Our current issues are quite small by comparison.) But, nonetheless, they have been weeks full of stressful circumstances. The obnoxious and sort of frantically mindless optimist in me is busy trying to interject here with some of the good things that have occurred in the past few weeks, and I am mercilessly hammering that freak down.

But, with any number of not-overly-fun things going on, and a to-do list that is making me feel stab-myself-in-the-temple-repeatedly-with-a-dull-fork violent and crazy, I'm reminded very clearly of some things I've learned, and purposefully set out to work on when I began this journey in the position of a stay-at-home mom.

I have the unique (or not? I don't know. Sometimes it feels unique.) perspective of having been both a working-outside-the-home mother, and a stay-at-home mom. And, at the end of the day, somehow ESPECIALLY the end of really bad days, I can only say that I feel so blessed and thankful to be a SAHM--it is, by far, the hardest and most stressful job I've ever had. However, that being said, it's also the very best of jobs, and one I've been called to do. There is great peace in that. I also feel, since I never saw myself as a SAHM in my wildest dreams, that in God's plan for me, I personally needed the opportunity to have the experience of being both, in order to truly be thankful and (striving for)content in what I have. Following is a list of things that I'm daily learning again and again as I live and fight in the trenches of motherhood. This list is by no means complete--it's simply just a few little practical things that help me a lot. 1. This IS my job. I was a really good employee. A great employee and some days I would even give myself awesome employee status. And there were those not-so-great employee days thrown in there too, if we're being completely honest. But, I haven't always been a great or good mother, wife, or housekeeper in this current very important job I hold. Now, this isn't a judgement on myself, and there's not any guilt associated with that statement (ok, maybe a little, ha) but this whole stay-at-home gig got a lot easier when I began treating myself and my days as if it were my actual job. Homeschooling is actually what helped me to realize I needed to do this... I think working with a bunch of blank paper again and binders and office supplies was just the segue I needed to focus a bit, and realize what I personally needed here.

So, while normally things like mission statements really put me off, writing down what my ultimate goal is and narrowly focus on that can really clean up the clutter in my mind that to-do lists and the insanity of life bring. What is the ultimate goal of my job?

To be a supportive & loving wife.
To raise obedient and respectful children who love to learn.
To do both in a way that honors the Lord.

From there, it's easy to define main objectives--things within the realm of these facts that are important to my family. This makes things that will either help or hinder these goals very clear, right? On some crazy days (like every day the past few weeks.) where I feel myself a failure, opening my binder to this page with my goal and objectives gives me peace. As long as I am not doing things that hinder these end goals, we're probably not going to go down with the ship. Tomorrow is another day.
2. Drink plenty water, and eat breakfast and lunch and get exercise. It's SO easy to drink water when you're sitting at a desk, plugging away at file after file after file after file after file. I have found this to be really hard for me as a SAHM, always moving. I've also found that I feel SO MUCH BETTER, on the three days a week or so where I actually manage to accomplish even just a few of these great feats.

3. Make a schedule. I haven't actually managed to write one out that works consistently for me until January, 2011. But, since I figured out HOW to write it out, it's pretty much the greatest thing ever. If I think about it, in all the jobs I've ever had, every day I would sit down, and write out what I was going to get done that day. Do I always get everything on my list done every day? Nope. Not even close. But, I have a plan. This is a very fluid job... some times we have to chuck the plan halfway through and make a new plan. But... that's ok. Because we started out with a plan.


A MAJOR side benefit of my daily plan has been looking back on Fridays (or as needed) to see how much I've actually accomplished in a week. Writing something down that I did, and then checking it off is not a matter of pride--it's a matter of sanity, really. Most days I feel like I chase my tail and do somersaults simultaneously all day... so I'm always astounded at the end of a week when I can look back and see the whole list of stuff I actually accomplished and completely forgot about since I accomplished it. Especially in a job that has a strange sort of solitude associated with it (not the sort of position that lends itself to an annual review or a weekly sit down with the boss and coworkers, really.) and also, the cyclical nature of all housework can make one feel as if they are never getting anywhere. So, looking back through a checked off to-do list is really okay--even if you wrote stuff down after you did it.

4. Menu planning in a way that works for me. I will never be a weekly menu plan person. I can't do a weekly grocery shopping trip with forecasted meals to save my life. But, what I can do is pick out 12 meals or so, get a list of basic ingredients that will interchangeably make about 8 meals, and then when I get home from the grocery store I write down ALL the meals I have available with current ingredients. Then, as my ever evolving days occur, and I can decide what meal on that list would work best for our family on that day, and cross off any meals that the ingredients get used for.

5. Lose the Guilt. In a job that is a directive from God {to be a Godly wife and mother} guilt is the whisper of the devil in my ear, telling me that despite my best efforts to this end, I am not good enough in my forgiven (and therefore heaven-worthy) state, strong enough (with my Lord by my side, in my heart and in my head), or equipped with the right tools (despite God making them all readily available for my taking) for the task at hand. Guilt is the Wormtongue of any Godly Mother. Now, that's not to say that I'm perfect, or that I always do what's right. It simply means that screw-ups have already been forgiven, and are not to keep me up at night. I need my sleep, man.

I often feel irritated at the fact that the phrase "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" got there first. Because personally I feel that the road of motherhood is paved with good intentions--and those good intentions, by God's grace, can cover many potholes of sin.

I'll let you know when I actually make this particular one work for me.

Quick side note on this one: I think we should also be quick to apologize to our kids. It's easy to forget that step when we're impatient, or just plain wrong--**begin sarcasm**they're just kids, after all**end sarcasm**. But, them seeing us be quick to apologize, and then be thankful for their forgiveness and grace, and all parties move on is a valuable lesson.

6. Do what makes you crazy first. Laundry makes me crazy. I said once, long ago, that you're never actually done with laundry unless you do it naked. This statement, for me, epitomizes my hatred for laundry. I HATE laundry. I cannot even begin to make that clear enough. My point being, I don't actually hate the act of doing laundry, I just hate the fact that it never ends. It gives me nightmares, and it makes me crazy. So, I do laundry first, just to cut back on the crazy a little. I have a goal of one load of laundry a day, and three or four on Monday. I haven't always been able to keep up with this, but our home is a much happier place now that I make a solid effort to keep up on that chore that makes me the angriest, before I get overwhelmed and frustrated.

There are a few other things like this around here, but I think the laundry makes my point, so I'll stop now. Also, if I've got those "make me crazy" things done at the end of the day, I can sleep. The major projects on my t0-d0 list can get worked on when the laundry is done, the dishes are done, and the floors are cleanish.

7. Make Momma Time. I know some people immediately cringe, and say this should not be necessary. I'm not talking Momma time where we go out and party on a Friday night though. I'm saying, being aware of what I need, and making it a point to take it, for the recharging of me. This job is challenging physically, mentally, and emotionally--in any other physically, mentally and emotionally challenging job it's expected that people take breaks from it. They even get to drive home from it, take lunch breaks, vacations, etc! Signing up for parenthood, and in this case motherhood means you don't get a vacation--for the rest of your life, in one way, or another. So, recharging is absolutely necessary. Sometimes that IS going out for coffee with girlfriends on a Friday night. Sometimes though, it's being alone in our home while Frank takes the girls away for a Saturday, and cleaning. Sometimes it's climbing in the bathtub with a cup of coffee and a book first thing in the morning, in preparation for a long day, in which I'm sure to get a tension headache. Or taking Rovey and my Camera, and going for a drive. Or settling on a couch in a quiet evening after the whole house is asleep with a book. Or, going to the grocery store to aimlessly wander and price things without having someone at my elbow saying things like, "MOMMA! How do helicopters fly?" Momma, what is skin made of?" Momma, can we buy watermelon?" Momma, how come all the people in this store are old?" Momma, Why do they call it spring?" Momma, how do they make plastic?" Momma, how do you play a tuba?" Momma, what's this building made of?" Momma, Why do they call it cheese?" Momma, why aren't we twins?" And, so on, and so forth.

8. Keep the old noodle sharp: I do my very best to manage daily devotions. Beyond that, this is something that I don't necessarily manage every day, but I do my best to keep my brain active and engaged in learning new ideas, or being challenged by someone else's thoughts in some way. I have nothing against novels--they're like chick flicks in print--which means I can skim through parts where people cry (gag) or kiss (gag) without having to touch the remote. All that being said--it's nice to read something that makes me think, and challenges my brain in a whole different way then the endless parade of questions like unto those listed at the end of item number 7. Since, with most mothers, budget is always a key, this is where I get most of my reading material--from half.com. As long as you're not in a hurry for it, even with shipping most of the time you can find any given book for under $5.

9. Sticking with what works for me. This means something different for every person, I think. For me, I cannot get up first thing into the morning, and cheerfully blast into my day. I'm admittedly envious of those who can, but I'm learning to be okay with the fact that I am a very grumpy morning person, and I need a few cups of coffee and quiet, downtime before I can proceed. Obviously, this doesn't always happen every day, but the morning time, with the morning snuggles are ok, and I'm mostly guilt-free about that now that I chose to politely ignore people who tell me I need to wake up and do this first, and then that, and then do that other thing, and then do these two more things before I do that thing. Not me. I'll do those things after I've sat on my couch for just a bit, and had some coffee, but thanks.

I've also learned to just ignore those who say I need to give my kids some "quiet-time" every day now that we're done with the nap stage. When I attempt this particular maneuver, mayhem ensues. They are sure that I am up to some sort of devious trickery to ensure that they take a nap--and their howling lasts much longer than my patience in this category. However, they play so well together, and don't appear to need sleep, so why should I try and fix something that isn't broken? This is what works for me.

10. Sorry, I'm fresh out. I can't think of a number 10... so, your turn!! What works for you? What do you do to make your life easier on those hard days? Can't wait to hear your thoughts!