Ponderings...

Occasionally I feel as though I have a constant, physical reminder of God watching me through my children. Sometimes it's easy to forget that He sees all we do and hears all we say, inside our heads, and out. When you have your children watching you, it makes you aware of how very far from perfect you are, but also is a wonderful gentle reminder to be the best person that you can be in each instance. I vividly remember the first time I (more fully) realized this, as a relatively new mother. Most readers of my blog know that Kiki had a large birthmark on her face when she was born. As a result, going into public with her, my beautiful baby, became a constant exercise in irritation at best, and anger management at worst, because "people" as a general rule, can be really stupid and thoughtless. Even ones who might mean well. I like to think we managed it pretty well, it was definitely something that I will always remember. Most instances were no big deal, just people asking about it in a kind and interested fashion. 4 times, actually, there were times when I really appreciated it, where another mom would come up to me, and say, "She has a strawberry hemangioma! My child had one of those!" and pull out their wallet, and show me pictures, and share their story... I appreciated each one of those heaven-sent conversations with those different moms so very much.

But I'll never forget going to the grocery store one night for dinner items after work. I had Kiki with me, she was about a year old. I was looking over the frozen pizzas, when this stereotypical white trash guy walked right up to the cart, and said through his three missing teeth, "Wow, your daughter's got a big birthmark on her face!" Now, he didn't say anything earth shattering, ground breaking, or otherwise unkind, per say. But, I have in times past, been known for using my sharp tongue, and this was no exception. I wanted to rip his face off, and put it through a paper shredder, among many other death by torture tactics that ran through my head at that moment. Needless to say, I was really angry, and the mama bear in me was ready to take it to the parking lot. But, at the very moment I opened my mouth to let him have it, thankfully I happened to catch a glance out of the corner of my eye at my tiny little baby Kiki, sitting in the grocery cart, with both hands on the bar, looking up at me, with her adorable spiky hair and her big eyes. And I knew that she was listening to me, and my response to him. And, by the grace of God, I think I smiled and said something like, "We've never noticed that before." or something so very opposite of what was screaming in my head, it's really quite astounding.

Anyway, since that time we've been blessed with Debris. She has taught us, tested us, and made us laugh, and been a joy and a challenge in equally wonderful and different ways. With Kiki approaching 5 years old as a confident, smart, sometimes blessedly mouthy and precocious child it occurs to me time and again how perfect God's plan is in giving us children... they teach us, challenge us, and total bonus, provide us with constant joy through the process. How many things can you say that about?! This list is by no means comprehensive, but just a short list of things I've been appreciating lately for a myriad of different reasons.

They remind us to be the most Christ-like that we can be, in each situation that arises... Not only are our children watching, but so are other souls...

"Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart." We tell our kids this, but do we mean it?! I'll never forget watching the news one night, and hearing about a random, violent beating at a pizza joint... they showed a picture of the suspect... seriously, he looked like he should work at an Apple store. He was that dorky. And then they cut to one of his co-workers to do an interview. He had tattoos and piercings all over the portion of himself that I could see, and a very large purple mohawk. He was crying, and dripping all over his Nine-Inch-Nails t-shirt as he talked about how horrible the crime was, and wondering how anyone could do something so evil. It made me chuckle a little at the time, I would have never assumed dork boy would be the violent one, and angry punk boy would be openly crying over it, but I've thought of that so many times since then. From speaking to my children about that verse, to remembering that God works in all of us, regardless of what we look like on the outside, and in some cases, because of what we look like on the outside. :-) He has a work in each of us, we can chose to accept it, or reject it. And those who may appear to have "perfect" little lives, sometimes struggle with things that we would never even think of.

As a diabetic, as a mother, and as a christian, it occasionally occurs to me when I start to feel sorry for myself for any number of different things how very blessed I am, not in spite of these things, but also, and most importantly I think, BECAUSE OF THEM. We get strength for the day from God, and we never get more than we can handle--at times, I know, we've all felt like maybe we can challenge that statement, but there's incredible comfort in the fact that God said it, therefore it IS TRUE. And, as time goes by, we can look back usually, and see how even though "it" was painful at the time, "it" helped to mold us into a a more knowledgable, kind, loving, gracious, or whatever person.

Ok, that's enough deep thoughts for one day.... I've got toilets to clean. (Dear Lord, thank you for my toilets. Amen.)

P.S.--I read this to Kiki to get her okay to talk about her before I posted it... I read it to her, and she said, "I don't care--This is really silly, Momma. I'm leaving. If you decide to vacuum, watch out for this little (plastic) bird. I don't want him vacuumed." So, my apologies if this is really silly. :-)